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Personal Stuff- exposed

Journal Entry: Wed Apr 18, 2007, 10:02 PM


10.05.07

I feel like I'm going to die alone. I failed at marriage, I failed at dating, I've disowned my money grubbing family and I've refused to make friends any more. I am lonely and I'm heartbroken.

I am so tired of being trampled like I'm not even here. It seems that everyone I encounter in life is so completely self serving that I may as well not have ever existed. The second I open up and expose myself in my entirety, I get a big ol' smack in the face.

Just like everything else, this pain will fade and I will go back to life as normal. Living in my little shell where noone can get in and nothing can hurt me. The blow that I've suffered this time around is worse than ever before. I completely fell for someone who lied to me and then simply walked away like I was nothing. Never again will I be so fucking stupid. Never. Never. Never. This is my breaking point. Dying alone is worth never feeling this betrayal ever again.

Right now, I hate everything and everyone around me. All these happy assholes can just bite me. I'm tired of looking at their smiling faces while I just want to lay in my bed and cry until I pass out.

Damn you all.

Back to putting on my big fake happy face and pretending I give a shit about anything.

Some Info...

Basics:
Name:
Erin

Date of Birth:
3-16-84

Birthplace:
Palm Beach Springs, Florida

Current Location:
Rochester, NY

Eye Color:
Hazel

Hair Color:
Natural Brunette- currently blonde

Height:
5'6"

Heritage:
Irish/Latvian

Piercings:
Ears (tongue in the past)

Tattoos:
Celtic eternity knot on my lower back

-----------------------------------------------------------
Favourite:
Band/Singer:
Cold, Killswitch Engage- there are a ton more

Song:
Broken-Seether, Over and Over- Three Days Grace

Movie:
The Butterfly Effect, Stay, Lord of the Rings series, Harry Potter series

Disney Movie:
Alice in Wonderland, Dumbo, The Little Mermaid

TV show:
House

Color:
Green

Food:
Anything pumpernickle- yeah it's wierd

Pizza topping:
Sausage

Ice-Cream Flavor:
Mint chocolate chip

Drink (alcoholic):
Amaretto Sour

Soda:
Cherry Coke

Store:
This depends on whatever phase I'm in at the time

Clothing Brand:
Umm, whatever fits and looks good

Shoe Brand:
Who cares about brands?!

Season:
Fall

Month:
September

Holiday/Festival:
Christmas/Halloween are tied

Flower:
White orchids

Make-Up Item:
Neutrogena tinted lip balm

Board game:
Up-words

-----------------------------------------------------------
This or That
Sunny or rainy:
Sunny

Chocolate or vanilla:
Vanilla

Fruit or veggie:
Fruit

Night or day:
Night

Sour or sweet:
Sour

Love or money:
Love

Phone or in person:
In person- I HATE the phone

Looks or personality:
Personality

Coffee or tea:
Coffee

Hot or cold:
Cold
-----------------------------------------------------------

Your:
Goal for this year:
Get some of my debts paid off

Most missed memory:
Going to Stonybrook every weekend in the summer with Dave

Best physical feature:
My cheekbones

First thought waking up:
Work? Ugh yes...

Hypothetical personality disorder:
OCD

Preferred type of plastic surgery:
I'm all for putting things back where they belong... just don't put anything inside me that doesn't belong there.

Sesame street alter ego:
Wormy. Read me a story dammit

Fairytale alter ego:
Alice in Wonderland.

Most stupid remark:
Impossible to list. I put my foot in my mouth daily.

Worst crime:
Stole money from my Dad

Greatest ambition:
To be remembered... not infamously.

Greatest fear:
Being sick or dying and having no one care.

Darkest secret:
What I hate most, I once became.

Favorite subject:
Psychology

Strangest received gift:
A pickle picker. That was hilarious to play with!

Worst habit:
I pick at everything.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Do You:
Smoke:
Yes

Drink:
Yes

Curse:
Yes

Shower daily:
Yes

Like thunderstorms:
Yes

Dance in the rain:
No

Sing:
In my car

Play an instrument:
Yes- the flute

Get along with your parents:
Yes

Wish on stars:
I used to.

Believe in fate:
Definitely

Believe in love at first sight:
No.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Can You:
Drive:
Yes

Sew:
Very badly.

Cook:
Yes but I bake even better

Speak another language:
I can read fluently in Spanish and speak it semi-fluently

Dance:
Umm, I can sway nicely.

Sing:
Very well actually

Touch your nose with your tongue:
No... what would that achieve?

Whistle:
Yes

Curl your tongue:
In three different ways

-----------------------------------------------------------
Have You Ever:
Been Drunk:
Yes

Been Stoned/High:
Yes

Eaten Sushi:
Yes

Been in Love:
Yes

Skipped school:
Yes

Made prank calls:
LOL, shamefully yes

Sent someone a love letter:
Yes

Stolen something:
Unfortunately, yes

Cried yourself to sleep:
Many times
-----------------------------------------------------------

Other Questions:
What annoys you most in a person?
Being condescending, pretentious or fake

Are you right or left handed?
I am completely ambidextrous- no lie.

What is your bedtime?
Lately, about 2-3 AM

Name three things you can't live without:
My laptop, a notebook, orange juice

What is the color of your room?
Cobalt (dark slate blue) with white trim

Do you have any siblings?
A sister and brother

Do you have any pets?
Miniature Dachsund

Would you kill someone you hate for a million dollars?
No

What is you middle name?
Elizabeth

What are you nicknames?
Rin, Rinny

Are you for or against gay marriage?
I honestly couldn't care less. It doesn't have any effect on me.

What are your thoughts on abortion?
I am pro-choice. I'm completely against it under some circumstances and completely for it in others but it comes down to the fact that if it isn't my body, it isn't my say.

Do you have a crush on anyone?
Nope. Happily married.

Are you afraid of the dark?
No

How do you want to die?
In my sleep

What is the largest amount of popsicles that you have eaten on one day?
I've polished off almost an entire box of those sour ice-pops in a day once

Would you take a bullet for the one you love?
Without a doubt

What is the last law you've broken?
Speeding. Yeah, I'm boring.
-----------------------------------------------------------

In a Member of the Opposite Sex:
Hair color:
Dark

Eye color:
Green

Height
Probably 6'- 6'3"

Weight
Weight doesn't mean anything.

Most important physical feature:
Eyes

Biggest turn-off
No sense of humor. Physically, too muscular.
-------------------------------------------------
Random Stuff

What color is your mailbox?
Black

Have you ever hit a deer?
I had one hit me...

Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Yes I do

Do you have a small driveway?
It's a pretty good size

Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you?
Nope :D

What do you do first in the morning?
Pee

What brand is your printer?
I actually don't have a printer

Do you enjoy fighting with people?
Hate it.

Is your hair naturally straight or curly?
Curly

Who was your kindergarten teacher?
An evil witch named Mrs. Mead. She switched grades so I ended up having her again for 2nd grade.

What is your ringtone?
I think I have the Zelda fairy fountain one now.

Are you taller than your mom?
No.. she's pretty tall- 5'11"

What curse word do you say the most when your pissed?
Fuck

Are you God?
Maybe? I highly doubt it though.

Do you like someone?
I like a lot of people... no not you... and no not in that way.

Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
Sometimes

Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My foot is asleep and my back is sore from being hunched over doing this damn survey

Do you often cry during a movie?
Yes... but I try to be subtle about it

Last phone call you received?
I have no idea, I've learned to tune the phone out.

Last text message?
Good god... ummm about 4 months ago I got one from my sister.

Do you hate your life?
No.

Do you get mad easily?
No... but I'm prone to random outbursts of anger every few months due to so much repression

What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who pick their cuticles. That makes me want to vomit.

Are you cold?
Actually yes, I'm outside

Do any of your friends have kids?
Many of them.

Do you know anyone that is pregnant right now?
Hmm, not right now funny enough.

Who should pay on the first date?
Whoever has money.

How many years older than you are you willing to date?
10

Do you have any friends?
A few

Do you have any mean friends?
Some that can be, yes.

What is the ugliest color to wear in your opinion?
I'm going to go with yellow. It just looks awful on most people that wear it.

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hate?
No... I'm pretty much on the same page with my friends

Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
Yes. Seriously.

Have you ever contemplated suicide?
Never seriously

Do you scratch your ears?
That's friggin wierd. I just did right before I read this question.

Who was the last person to hug you?
A patient that was going to be discharged before the next shift I work

What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing right now?
Dickies scrub pants

What is the closest green object?
An empty pack of menthols

If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents name you?
Well, it didn't matter if I was male or female, my mom wanted to name me Kyle

What is the brightest color you're wearing?
Well, I'm in entirely navy blue right now but I have light blue socks on with bright yellow polka dots

Who is the friend you have that you would never have expected to have?
Gells

Who do you hate the most right now?
They know who they are

What kind of car do you want?
Some kind of hybrid SUV

What is your favorite video game?
Zelda... all of them

Do you like your dad?
Yes and I miss him terribly. He passed away when I was 15.

Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Many.. I love to buy seasons of my favorite shows. I never watch them on TV any more so I can buy the season and watch it straight through without commercials!

Are you wearing make-up?
Yup.


Have you ever broken a pinata?
Yeah

What time is it right now?
1:47 AM

Do you know how to draw?
Yes

Who loves orange soda?
Kel loves orange soda (Holy CRAP! Do you remember that show?! It was retarded!)

Who did you last IM?
Amy

Do you work a lot of hours?
32 a week

Where were you in the last 24 hours?
Home, my car and then work

Is there anything you regret?
Hurting someone I love- no details

Do you know where your family name originated from?
No

Is there an animal that creeps you out?
Not that I can think of... but I hate cicadas and locusts. They leave their nasty skins all over the place.

What is your favorite color ON A CAR?
Smoke

Do you use digital or film cameras?
Digital

Do you own an iPod?
Yup

Have you ever been on a charter bus?
No

Do you like going to water parks?
Yes!



04.18.07

Okay guys. Enjoy my survey madness! I just spent the last two hours filling those stupid things out. They seem pretty pointless but the silly little things always seem to tell the most about people. I'm going to go searching for ones that have completely ridiculous questions now!

04.11.07

I don't even know what do about my situation at work. I LOVE what I do but it's getting to the point where I HATE where I work.

Alot of people have left or will be going soon, leaving no one but the people who depend on me to a point where they actually create more work for me than actually being of any real asset.

I got in today knowing that we were understaffed. I usually know to expect a chaotic difficult shift under those circumstances but I didn't expect to walk into the complete mess I found this afternoon. The previous shift is supposed to help the next one when they are short staff. For some ungodly reason, it always seems to be the people that preceed me that don't do a damn thing to help. Half of our machinery is falling apart and while we've been using it anyway, I discovered that they removed the option all together by sending every last one of them to be repaired, leaving the floor with NOTHING and me doing the entire side of the floor's blood pressures manually and temperatures with a digital thermometer from the 80's. Eventually, I had a meltdown and had to be escorted to the back room to calm down.

It gets old busting my ass every day, making sure that I've not only completed my own work but don't ever leave others stranded, barely getting air while they drown in the sea of SHIT and PISS and VOMIT and BLOOD that patients on a surgical unit deposit regularly. The managers of the floor work only during the day shift and have NO idea how hard it is to work during the evening. Instead of listening to how the people who work this shift day in and day out, they continually dump more work with complete disregard for the sanity of the employees, not to mention the safety of the patients. We are the first ones to get reamed for EVERYTHING and the last ones to hear "Thank you".

I've been slowly turning into a person that I just don't even recognize the second I walk in those doors. I snap at people, tell them no when they request help, behave like everyone is a burden to me. I don't care what people think of my personality as long as my work is done and the patients are safe. I love taking care of people and even if I have the world's heaviest load of patients, I will NEVER under any circumstances treat them like they are burdening me or that I have anything else to do but be there with them making sure that their needs are met. Unfortunately, in a job like this where you depend heavily on the people you work with, I can't afford to walk around like a complete bitch complaining constantly and behaving like a moody child. It's just gotten so bad that I simply can't help it. I spend half of my week being a complete witch and the other half stumbling all over myself apologizing.

My ultimate breaking point spurring me to write this tonight? I'm about to lose yet another one of my favorite people to work with. I have lost almost my entire safety net and losing this person will leave me with 2 people that I can depend on to help keep it together. I just can't go home crying any more. I can't DO this! I can't let this one place ruin my love of medicine. How can I work for a hospital that finds it acceptable to tell each and every floor that it doesn't matter if they are short staffed, they can't refuse admissions?! In that case on a floor with an acuity that deserves at LEAST a 1:5 nurse to patient ratio that they have no choice but to take 9?! What kind of care are we going to be able to deliver? This is why patients die in hospitals. This is why there are so many shady hospital cover ups. I've seen complete lies being told to family members because the hospital wasn't about to leave itself open to be sued for blatant neglect.

I hate that I'm coming home to write this while my chest is just wrenching and my eyes well constantly instead of writing the latest hilarious story about the current craziest patients.

I hate that I have been clear for 3 months of any heart problems and the past two nights, I've felt it starting all over again. If it starts again, I have to go in for heart surgery and that terrifies me. If I didn't need my paycheck so badly, I would resign simply to save my health. I can't morally leave the floor though. In it's current state, I am now one of only a tiny handful of people who work my shift that have been there more than 3 years... even 2.

I don't know what to do...
  • Mood: Tired
  • Listening to: Chevelle
  • Reading: job listings
  • Watching: Scrubs
  • Playing: With Photoshop
  • Eating: Twinkie
  • Drinking: Heineken

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:iconce-rap:
eeewwwwwwwwwww---heineken:bleh:

--
"The goal of an artist, is to create the definitive form that can never be surpassed."

---George Benard Shaw
:iconautumnights:
LMAO! Don't you bleh mah beer. Shouldn't you be makin me an ID or somethin ;)

--

Rin.

Need #help?

I support ART. Not popularity.
:iconce-rap:
HAHaaaa---I'm a corona man myself:D---*WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE***

I'd make one if you tell me what you want---so there;P

--
"The goal of an artist, is to create the definitive form that can never be surpassed."

---George Benard Shaw
:iconlyastri:
:hug: :cuddle: Egads dear. I wish I could be there to actually hug you, but since I can't, know that I'm here, holding you close in my heart. :nod:

:heart:

--
Admin for *Apophysis and ~DeviousFractals (Come, fractal with us!)
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*dAPagan *Imaginary-Places *DesigningDivas =ImagersFractalDDs
:iconalexspeed:
Wow that random stuff topps my 100-things-about-me-list :paranoid:
You make me jealous ;)

wth is a pinata? never heared that and my dictionary gave up :D

Thank you for this exclusive glimpse into your world, i enjoyed the read =)

About all that stuff above the Survey Madness...
I read that before and saw that it is an old entry so i didnt comment on that, but i truly hope your situation with work will get better and also that your heart beats a long time :hug: :nod:

--
:noes: Tiny Turtle thinks:"This girl is HOT!"

There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive trolls...
Come with me to the dark Side... they have the cookies! :cookie:

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